What Jenny's Reading

{December 16, 2014}   The Blacklist: The Alchemist

It’s the week before Christmas!  Holiday season for my family is birthday season too, so we’ve been busy with parties and gift-giving.  I have several things I still need to buy; I tried to spread out my holiday purchases and I did pretty well, actually; usually at this time I’m freaking out at how close we are to Christmas and how little I’ve bought, and I end up relying on a holiday bonus for the extra cash to make sure I get everyone something nice.

This year I started a little early, and I’m so happy I did!  I either have everyone’s gift, or know what I’m getting them, with one exception (my father is IMPOSSIBLE to buy for).  So I thought I’d take a few minutes and post the next Blacklist review!

1. I think Red and Lizzie are still at her house. He wants her to find someone called the Alchemist, who protects guilty people by murdering innocent people and then making them into guilty people. He’s going to help mob informant Pyotr Madrijek. I know I am spelling that wrong.
2. As they talk, we see a guy who is not Eion Bailey but looks so much like Eion Bailey that I was all, “Hey! Pinocchio!” flirting with a pretty blonde girl. He has obviously drugged her and she passes out, only to wake up looking totally different, and on a plane. There’s a random guy with her who is just as confused as she is. She calls him Pyotr because she’s found the passport, and he is hilariously pissed about being referred to as “Pyotr.” Like that’s the least of his worries, you know?
3. Anyway, The Alchemist reveals himself and jumps out of the plane and they crash. Farewell, pretty lady and not Pyotr!
4. We find out later that he found her through an online dating website. Holy crap! You’d think the worst that could happen from online dating would be an unfortunate evening, or maybe an unwelcome dick pic or two. That’s it. I’m apparently done with online dating.
5. Everyone at the PO is confused about the plane crash. The Madrijecs were supposed to vanish, not die. Red won’t come to the PO to explain, though, because he still thinks there’s a mole.
6. Ressler and Meera are all, nope, no moles here! Meera looks a tiny bit shifty, though.
7. Red’s got a new warehouse with a bunch of scrawny tech dudes who are sifting through information, looking for info about the breach.
8. I guess Red is also friends with Julian Assange. Well, obviously.
9. The tech guys are going to find shredded classified documents and put them back together, because Red told them to. I hope he is paying them a lot for their time.
10. Lizzie and Red meet at I think a synagogue. Red’s looking at a ViCAP printout of Lucy Brooks. Red tells her that the Alchemist is a magician who can somehow drain someone’s DNA and then replace it with another person’s, so the Madrejeks aren’t dead. Also, they are in Budapest.
11. Euro bar! Ressler and Lizzie hang at the bar, looking like they’re on a date or something. Meera is hanging back, looking sort of pissed that she’s not involved with the fake date. Ressler wants to chat about Audrey and her new fiancé, who he hates, because he’s a tool who wears tasseled shoes. Ugh. Seriously, Audrey?
12. Madrijecks comes into the bar and the PO is, I’m sorry, pretty obvious about seeing him. He clues in pretty quick and runs, with Lizzie and Meera giving chase. They corner him in the kitchen and he pulls a gun, but Ressler pops up behind him with his own gun and captures Madrajecks.
13. I probably need a “Ressler is hot when he does X” macro, right?
14. Lizzie’s home when Tom gets back. He says he didn’t go to the job interview, because of her dead dad being so very dead. They’re still adopting the baby and Tom oh-so-subtly tries to get her to talk about her “secrets.” Quid pro quo, Tommy boy!
15. Well, he does fess up: their so-called “friends” are throwing them a horrific baby shower. Oh yes, people. It’s time for the horrific baby shower I warned you about all those episodes ago!
16. The PO is now cluing in on the dead body swaps. Aram found a match on a dating site for the girl. Aram is a member of this dating site. He’s lucky he didn’t end up being alchemized.
17. The Alchemist’s real name is Trettle. Pyotr’s wife goes to see him and bitches about the clusterfuck, and stands in the middle of the floor on a super obvious tarp. Obviously he shoots her dead. “TARP” IS JUST AN ANAGRAM FOR “TRAP,” PYOTR’S WIFE!
18. Ressler’s playing hardball with Pyotr. He gives up a little information till the “lawyer” appears. The lawyer is Trettle in a cunning suit disguise who then murders Pyotr very quickly and silently. Man, maybe Red should have this dude on his payroll.
19. Lizzie and Ressler are just hanging out. They aren’t at the PO, which is interesting. It looks like an office building. That is so weird. I guess they’re at the regular FBI, but I prefer a scenario where Lizzie and Ressler had to interview this guy RIGHT THAT MINUTE and stole some hapless office worker’s conference room. Lizzie shows Ressler a picture of the guy the lady victim went on a date with. It’s the lawyer! Ressler runs to the interview room, because he doesn’t believe in coincidences. Although it would’ve been really funny if the lady had really gone out with the lawyer.
20. So Trettle flunked out of medical school but is so good at medicine that he is performing magic? Where the fuck did he go to medical school?
21. Anyway, he screwed around with a mob family and vanished soon after. He had a wife and daughter close by, so Lizzie goes to see them. The wife is ambivalent at first, but then when the daughter leaves the room she’s all, this guy is nutso and you need to back the fuck off if you don’t want to become a dead fake person.
22. Also, the daughter has type I diabetes. This will be important later on.
23. Ressler’s found the rental car that Trettle used. He set it on fire with the real wife’s body inside. I mean Trettle did that, not Ressler, though that would’ve been an interesting plot twist.
24. In the burnt up car they happen to find a piece of torn paper with a bar code on it.
25. Trettle is doing something sinister in his lab.
26. Red’s back with his tech buddies, who have figured out a computer program to put back together all the shredded documents. Well, I guess that makes more sense than if they’d just laid all the pieces out on the warehouse floor and tried to put them together that way. Although I would’ve liked to see Red’s face if they had tried that.
27. Lizzie’s there to chat, and is aghast about the classified documents, but brushes it off because she has questions about the numbers they found. Red asks her tons of questions till she realizes the number came from some kind of lab equipment.
28. Ressler’s in their shared office (I think they share an office, they are always in there together and there are two desks) bitching about how Audrey wants to see him, because she wants his blessing on her new relationship. I mean, I know I have seen the end of the episode and all, but why would she ask you that, Ressler? Get a clue, my friend.
29. Lizzie has no time for this, because they have to find the lab equipment.
30. I love that Trettle has millions of pictures of himself with his lab equipment. Who took those pictures? They’re too far away to be selfies.
31. Trettle’s now working on another project. He’s got tons of head shots of women and calls one, then tricks her into a car with him so he can (obviously) murder her and turn her into someone else.
32. Tom and Lizzie’s house. Fuck this baby shower, friends. I mean that with all of my heart. It’s just awful: the weirdass baby diapering game, the stupid baby food tasting game, the bitchy lady who claims Lizzie’s going to destroy her baby by not taking leave. Fuck. This. Just thinking about it makes my skin itch. If I ever have a baby and my friends threw me a party like this one, I would burn the house down where it happened, and then salt the earth.
33. Noteworthy: that Lucy Brooks lady from earlier is now calling herself Jolene.
34. Tom and Lizzie have a giant fight, of course, because Tom tries to shame her for being a working mom in front of all of their friends. Lizzie’s all, why don’t you stay home, fuckface? I mean, does it really fucking matter which parent takes time? Why not be Mr. Mom, Tom, since you’re so hell-bent on this baby?
35. Lizzie peaces out when she gets a call from Ressler about the case. “Jolene,” who was hiding in their bathroom to meet awkward with Tom, mocks him for calling Lizzie selfish.
36. Tom and “Jolene” hang in the kitchen. They flirt and it’s boring. She tells him to take Lizzie to some sort of photography exhibit but he’s not interested.
37. The PO has found the lab because of the numbers, but it’s all empty and looks pretty wiped down. Oh, then they find out that the wife and daughter are “dead,” and are very sad about this, even though they know what Trettle can do.
38. Luckily they figure out pretty quickly that Trettle’s fake killed them. He’s escaped with both of them, and the wife is all, Seriously, fucker? He pretends they’re a happy family and wow he’s off his rocker.
39. Tom and Lizzie talk on the phone and apologize to each other. They decide they’re going to have dinner that night and he will cook and discuss why Lizzie doesn’t want to stay home with the baby.
40. Red and his tech dudes again. All you need to know is they find a classified document about a security upgrade signed by Meera Malik. NO!!!!!!!
41. The PO finds Trettle because the daughter has an insulin pump they can track via radio waves. He’s at a gas station. Sadly, Trettle has already seen the Amber Alert for the daughter and goes apeshit. He and another patron pull guns on each other. The daughter gets shot.
42. Ressler and Lizzie get to the gas station and try to talk Trettle down, but the wife shoots him because she’s freaked about her daughter.
43. Tom has cooked a feast, and when Lizzie calls to say she’s going to be late he passive-aggressives about the whole thing and takes off for “Jolene’s” photography exhibit.
44. Ressler and Lizzie then chat about his Audrey troubles. He says he’s going to tell her he still loves her, and that marrying the other guy is a mistake. Lizzie seems ambivalent about this for some reason. I think it’s a great idea. I mean, what does he have to lose? If she says no, at least he tried, and he doesn’t have to wonder what might’ve been.
45. Aram finds Trettle’s client list and gives it to Lizzie, who gives it to Red for some reason. He takes off, though, because he needs to go see Meera and accuse her of being the mole.
46. Ressler waits for Audrey. You guys I think he is wearing that coat again!! How long has it been since we’ve seen it? I am stupidly excited about the coat’s reappearance. I think I have Stockholm Syndrome with this coat. I have missed you, odd not-warm-looking outerwear garment!
47. He loses his nerve and pretends to be happy for her and her engagement, but she says she wanted to talk to him because she misses him and wants him back. He’s really happy about that. Aw! They look very sweet together.
48. Lizzie gets home to an empty house and Tom’s passive-aggressive thrown away dinner. Tom’s at the photography exhibit, drinking and making eyes at “Jolene.”


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