What Jenny's Reading

{March 17, 2015}   The Blacklist: Milton Bobbit

It’s Monday!  Yay?  Here’s the next episode of The Blacklist.  Maybe I’ll be done with them by the time the second season ends.

1. A lady is hailing a cab and chatting on the phone, obviously to her small child. She is on her way home from wherever she is and is promising she’ll be home to tuck in her child that night.
2. The cabbie’s all, I don’t think so, lady, because I guess he hates kids and/or families in general. He apologizes and accelerates the cab while the lady screams and tries to get out (but the doors are locked), and then crashes into what I assume must be an oil tanker or something, considering the size of the fireball it creates.
3. A creepy guy is wire transferring money after shredding a picture of the dead lady. Then he goes home to make a Psilocybin shake and to relax practically naked under his UV tanning lights. Oh, and he takes off his nose, too. This is by far the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen on this show.
4. I think that those types of mushrooms might grow in my yard. They look really familiar. I could be rich!
5. Also probably in prison for distributing illegal substances, but you know. Rich!
6. Now Lizzie is at home. Tom is making her gluten free pancakes, which I don’t believe for even a hot second. Those pancakes don’t look gluten free at all! IS THERE NO END TO THE LIES YOU’RE WILLING TO TELL, TOM, IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME???
7. Lizzie is ignoring him and then tells him she doesn’t feel well. He pretends to care, and then asks her to renew their vows. She agrees, pretending to be happy, and he leaves so he can get to work and says they’ll discuss it that night.
8. He doesn’t even kiss her here, you guys. C’mon, Tom, you could at least be GOOD at your pretend role as husband. Worst. Spy. Ever.
9. After he’s gone, Lizzie goes totally apeshit on their house, destroying the false pancakes and the plate they rode in on, and then utterly demolishing several pictures and other household items and keepsakes. Then she goes through all of his things, looking for something that will help her figure out who he really is.
10. Or maybe that’s truly a regular morning for her. We don’t really know. I mean, Tom isn’t even fazed later when many of their possessions have seemingly vanished.
11. Anyway, she’s got a storage unit that she’s using for investigating Tom, and she writes a bunch of stuff about him on the walls, and attaches pictures and other items. Do you think the storage unit company is going to be happy about this when they get it back? I don’t.
12. I guess she called Red, or he just tuned into his Lizzie-tracking device (told you!) and he meets her there. He claims to have brought her a snack of pimento sandwiches, a recipe from Eartha Kitt, but I have scoured the internet and there is no such thing. Now is not a good time to play with Lizzie’s trust, Red.
13. She’s pissy, of course, and for very good reason, and demands to know everything he knows about Tom. All Red can really tell her is that a few years back, he got wind that somebody was trying to invade his business so he took stock of his “vulnerabilities,” which included Lizzie, and discovered that Tom bought fake passports.
14. Also, I know you’re pissed, Lizzie, but can I say that red top looks AMAZING on you? Red was right. You’re totally a winter.
15. Lizzie is disgusted by his lack of information and tosses his false sandwiches to the ground. He makes up for it, though, by telling her he has all the recordings from when the apple people were watching them. Lizzie asks if he watched them, and I immediately giggle, because I am 12 and I am thinking of Lizzie being quietly freaked out about the fact that Red maybe watched her and Tom have sex.
16. Red convinces her to play along with Tom a little longer, so they can find out what he’s really up to and maybe who he works for. Lizzie is unhappy because she has to act normal around not only Tom, but at work too, since she can’t let them know what’s going on. Red’s all, but I have a case to distract you, honey!
17. He tells her about the taxi explosion, and thinks it’s due to the “Undertaker,” a guy who has a way cooler name than he deserves. Even the episode knows it, because the title is “Milton Bobbit.”
18. We see the Undertaker hugging a sad, pretty girl. Then we see the pretty girl sets fire to some random politician at a gas station after confirming his identity. Bennett Cochran is his name. She says she has a brother before she sets him on fire, also setting herself on fire.
19. I guess we should be shocked by this, but maybe that politician was Tea Party.
20. Okay, that is not funny.
21. (Yes it was.)
22. Why was this guy pumping his own gas? I thought that wasn’t something politicians do for themselves. Maybe he was playing at being a man of the people? I bet he’s sorry now he didn’t have someone else do it.
23. Lizzie tells the PO about the gas station murder and the taxicab murder. The Undertaker turns regular people into contract killers. It’s the perfect murder, because the murderers die too, and it looks like an accident. I mean, yeah. I guess. Or a murder-suicide, like the gas station thing that literally just happened.
24. Ressler and Lizzie go to talk to the cab driver’s widow, who is devastated. They find out that he had memory problems (maybe early onset Alzheimer’s?) and also that one of his family members died recently and left them a ton of money so he didn’t have to work.
25. You know, this is the part of the Undertaker’s scheme that I just don’t see working out very well, at least not for this lady. See, I bet the dead lady’s family from the beginning of the episode is going to sue the cab company and also the cab driver, and they’re going to find out about his early-onset whatever, and likely make a good case that he shouldn’t have been driving at all (because, you know, the giant fireball). So if the money wasn’t life insurance or something else that would’ve transferred directly to his wife, then she’ll probably end up losing it all to a court judgment.
26. Maybe she could use the federal marital exemption or claim tenancy by the entireties. I don’t know what state they’re supposed to be in, so I don’t know what probate laws I’d need to check.
27. Okay, enough of my annoying legal ranting. Back to the show! Lizzie and Ressler discover that both of the killers had terminal illnesses, and also that they had other mental issues. Meera tells Cooper that their family members now have no financial problems whatsoever, which is motivation.
28. Except maybe for the lady, but okay I’ll stop thinking about that.
29. Now the Undertaker is talking to some older but not ancient man who has some kind of heart disease, I guess. They sit outside and the guy grouses about his heart condition and being dumped from some insurance company. The Undertaker makes it clear he knows about this guy’s problems and gives him a figure. Older-but-not-ancient guy tells him to keep talking.
30. Now Tom’s coming home to a party! His brother, Craig, is there, along with all their friends. Lizzie tells Craig to take Tom to get dressed, and takes away Craig’s champagne glass. She hides it in a paper bag under a bunch of kitchen towels.
31. Tom and Craig bitch at each other about the party and Craig’s being in town, and Craig’s all, watch out because Lizzie is smart, and HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And I love Lizzie, but no. Tom oversells his evilness by about fifteen miles.
32. Now, the ceremony. Craig is marrying them because duh.
33. Tom’s vows go sort of like this: “When I’m with you, Liz, I don’t feel like I need to pretend. Except how I pretend every day we are together, and our entire relationship is based on lies I’m telling you, even right this second, and I think you’re buying it because I’m literally the worst spy on the face of the Earth, so ha!”
34. Lizzie’s: “Eat shit and die, douchenozzle. GAME FUCKING ON.”
35. I may have embellished that a little bit. But how hilarious is this whole scene, with the three of them all hating each other secretly and forced to pretend they don’t? And their stupid, oblivious friends, who can’t even see how much they all hate each other, acting like this is fucking romantic. I bet they all went to see 50 Shades of Grey because they think it’s a love story, too.
36. After the ceremony, Lizzie’s back at the storage unit, watching the video. She sees Tom hide a key inside their lamp. At home, she opens up the lamp and finds it. She also meets Dembe, and asks him to run Craig’s prints from the champagne glass and find out who he is. Dembe agrees, and compliments their kitchen paint color.
37. And…now I’m shipping them. A little.
38. Aram has discovered a bunch of stuff about how the money gets transferred to these assassins, from an account in the Caymans, and Ressler fingers a guy named Danny, who is our heart disease stricken fellow from earlier. He and Lizzie tear off and manage to stop him from killing a politician during a rally. The politician starts blubbering when Danny pulls his gun. I shouldn’t make fun, because having a gun pulled on you would be scary, but ha, this guy sucks. Lizzie talks Danny out of killing the guy, and that’s it for that.
39. Red meets a Bosnian scientist who hates him. This scientist can pull cells from fingerprints and figure out who people actually are. Red needs him because the fingerprints turned up only Craig Keen, who they know is fake. I think they are maybe in Puerto Rico or something? Or a rainforest?
40. The Bosnian negotiates with Red for a weekend at his special villa with his wife (who cheated on him with Red) to do the job. Okay then.
41. After Danny gets arrested, Red calls Lizzie and tells her he knows who Craig really is, and tells her to meet him at his hotel room. Lizzie’s all, sure! I guess she makes up some excuse to Ressler, because interrogating your lying-ass in-laws is way more interesting than escorting a dying man to lockup.
42. Hilariously, she meets Craig at his hotel room and beats the shit out of him before Red and Dembe get there. And nobody notices the noise they make. I love it!
43. Craig pleads innocence while Lizzie continues to beat him and tells him she knows his real name, Christopher Mally. She also says she never liked him anyway, which LOW BLOW, Lizzie.
44. Ressler calls to break up the fun, and Craig mocks her, because he thinks she’s acting on impulse. Nope! This time Lizzie has a plan, and that plan involves Red and Dembe coming to babysit Craig while she goes and works. Lizzie bitches to Red that Craig refuses to cooperate, in very much what I would consider a girl’s “Daddy, fix this” voice, and then leaves.
45. The PO figures out that all the assassins had life insurance policies either denied or cancelled by the same company. Lizzie bows out and sort of lies to Ressler about why she needs to go, and he’s sympathetic. Man, how fun would it have been to bring Ressler in on it now? I mean, he did offer to beat up Tom, a few episodes ago.
46. Well, probably not, but still. A girl can dream! The Red-Ressler team up a few episodes ago was a lot of fun, except I guess for Audrey dying. That was less fun.
47. Red takes Craig to some fucked up puppet exhibit to frighten him, because he’s not subject to the Geneva Convention. Also, Dembe innocently wheels Craig’s mom by them. This is meant as a threat, but I like to think that Dembe enjoys helping the elderly see freaky art exhibits on his off hours.
48. Ressler and Meera are at the life insurance company. They find out about Milton being totally creepy and obsessed with death, and that he delivers flowers all the time to a specific cemetery. Also, Milton mysteriously vanishes when they try to go talk to him, which is TV code for guilty and never on a break or in the bathroom.
49. Cut to them in his home, finding the mushrooms growing and the creepy UV lights. Ressler finds some files about random people. Conveniently, they are all people who have died except one: Frederick Osborne.
50. Yep, the Undertaker is kidnapping Osborne now, and tells him something about being a patient in a clinical trial for a diabetes drug. I have no idea what type of diabetes drug could cause your nose to fall off, but I’m thinking this was not a typical side effect.
51. Lizzie heads back to the hotel, where Red and Dembe are watching The Three Stooges and noshing on the minibar and Craig is probably wishing they would just kill him. I stayed at a pretty nice hotel recently, and the minibars are expensive, so I feel Craig here.
52. Lizzie is aghast, but Red explains they were just waiting for her. Then they question him, boringly, and Tom calls repeatedly.
53. The PO is still investigating Bobbit. Ressler is explaining that all the recent victims were connected to the clinical trial that Bobbit was involved in. And that’s about it for that. But I’m very proud of Ressler, figuring this out on his own.
54. Craig is chatting with Tom now, on the phone, who is bitching about…who cares. Seriously, I don’t give a fuck about these two. Tom says he’s accountable to Berlin and he will be coming to the hotel now, and hangs up.
55. Red tries to get Craig to say what is Berlin, like maybe what’s in the city, but Craig refuses, and then jumps out a window to kill himself.
56. Lizzie is horrified, and seems confused by Red’s rather blasé behavior. He reminds her that a bunch of police and investigators are about to descend on the hotel, and takes her out. Dembe stays behind to wipe down the room, and I think eat yogurt pretzels, since the minibar’s going on dead guy’s credit card, after all.
57. Again at the PO, they are trying to figure out where Osborne is and what happened. There’s no activity on Bobbit’s Cayman bank account. Meera thinks it’s because he’s doing this on his own, and wants to kill Osborne himself. She decides he’s terminally ill.
58. Ressler says that maybe Bobbit went to the cemetery where the delivers flowers. This is as good as an idea as anyone has, so they take off.
59. Bobbit is indeed at the cemetery with Osborne, holding a gun on him and bitching about how all he thinks about is death and how everything he’s done has helped people because he provided good lives for them. Except for the part where one of their loved ones is dead, he does leave that out, but I guess he’s trying to make a point.
60. Also, he’s wired himself into a bomb, which I think is excessive.
61. The PO gets there and blares their presence with sirens. Why do they always do this? They could’ve maybe snuck up on him if they hadn’t.
62. Lizzie’s with them now, and when they get there says there’s a negotiator in route. Ressler’s all, we can’t wait for that bullshit, and takes matters into his own hands. He fake arrests Osborne, who is hilariously indignant about it, like SERIOUSLY JACKASS THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY SAVING YOU.
63. Then, Ressler basically dares Bobbit to kill himself. Which…I mean, this is a fucking giant risk, Ressler. STOP FUCKING ROLE-PLAYING WITH DEATH, OKAY?
64. Ressler’s game of chicken ends the way it was always going to, with Bobbit blowing himself up.
65. Ressler is packing up Bobbit’s house. He looks a tiny bit conflicted about what he did, but it’s not like Bobbit was a great guy and people will miss him, you know?
66. Lizzie’s at the storage unit, and hangs the key on the wall.
67. Red reads through Bobbit’s client list, and refuses to tell Cooper what he was looking for.
68. He heads to meet Lizzie, who says she can’t handle the lying, because she can’t bear to even look at Tom. Red urges her to be strong, and then sees a burned paper that says “Berlin.” He moves it to the top of their symbolic chessboard, and they stare at it.
69. Lizzie’s at home and puts the key away. Tom almost catches her, and she covers and says they should ask Craig to come and have dinner with them. Tom lies and says that he’d called and said he had to leave, like that’s the worst fucking lie I think he’s told. Craig jumped out a fucking window at a nearby hotel, I mean I think it’ll be in the papers and maybe someone might want to interview them for the story. But whatever, it never comes up again.
70. Tom forces Lizzie into having sex, and it’s just fucking gross. I mean, it’s not like he raped her or anything, but she only did it as her cover. Man, I feel so bad for Lizzie. I can’t wait till she gets to shoot him in the guts.


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